They Can't Even Use the Word

Ha! This is great.

The Vagina Monologues is a theatrical piece by Eve Ensler that has been performed countless times, from college campuses to Madison Square Garden, and all around the world. It's a kind of feminist piece, something that seeks to break taboos and make people think in a new way about their sexuality and about women.

Naturally, The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property (TFP) thinks this needs to be stopped. They are a Catholic group who describes themselves in this way:

Founded in 1973, the American TFP was formed to resist, in the realm of ideas, the liberal, socialist and communist trends of the times and proudly affirm the positive values of tradition, family and property. Who We Are

TFP Student Action (motto: Youth was not made for pleasure, but for heroism) has decided that this Vagina Monologues business has got to stop, at least on Catholic university campuses. As they tell you, this lewd play has been shown at such places as "Georgetown University, University of Notre Dame, Saint Louis University, Saint Francis University, Fordham University, Loyola Marymount University and others." So they're launching a boycott of corporate sponsors of the Vagina Monologues.

The only problem is, they can't say the word "vagina." They think it's a dirty word.

So they end up saying stuff like:

"Our next step will be to contact Catholic university officials where the "V***** Monologues" is scheduled and ask them to immediately cancel the immoral play," said TFP Student Action director John Ritchie. "We hope to generate one million protest messages with this campaign." Higher Learning Reaches New Low with Vulgar "V***** Monologues"

Do you suppose he pronounces that "vee star-star-star-star-star," like on the Internet, or does he say "vee asterisk-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk?" Wow, try that one, I don't think he says that.

Maybe it's just me, but I kinda thought "vagina" was the polite term for it, the official medical term.

I am trying to imagine what the sex-hating crowd might say, to avoid using the word "vagina." Maybe they call it "the stork place," in honor of its important function in producing babies. Maybe they just call it "down there," emphasizing its relationship to that other place "down there," where you go when you spend too much time thinking about what's "down there." The Down There Monologues... no, I don't think so. Sounds like something about Australians.

See, nobody cares if these superstitious groups want to believe that nature is evil, that sex is a duty and a curse and no fun -- there are all kinds of people in this world, including ... those people. The problem is just this: those people want to control what other people do.

Here in Montgomery County, "those people" want to make sure that homosexuality is not mentioned in the public school health curriculum. Their own kids aren't forced to take the class, they're not concerned about that. They're concerned about your kids, my kids learning about something. And just like these student activists who seem to think that if you use the word "vagina" you will be helplessly tricked into thinking about vaginas all the time, the Recall group seems to believe that if kids learn about homosexuality they will become homosexuals.

I'm really glad it doesn't actually work that way.